In
part 2 of my sit down interview with dating guru, Steve Ward of VH1’s Tough
Love, I wanted to tackle the topic of trust and all that it encompasses, i.e. Snooping,
cheating and facebook stalking.
Steve
confesses that he has been accused of being “cleverly honest”. Honesty and
trust go hand-in-hand but Steve says there is a difference between a white lie
and a red lie. A white lie being something harmless like telling an overweight
woman she looks good in a tight dress versus a red lie that could be more
hurtful like telling someone that you see a future with them when you don’t. I
think we can all agree on those terms, but the fact is a lie is a lie and once
you catch your man in any kind of lie can you still fully trust them or will
you be plagued with doubt and suspicion?
Newsweek
recently reported that a man lies on average 6 times a day. “They say a lie of
omission is the biggest lie of all. So
sometimes leaving out some details can be considered to be pretty dishonest too,”
Steve said.
Cheating... Why do
they really do it? Is it a Slip-up or just human nature?
STEVE: It’s not a matter of
slipping up, it’s a matter that people in general want to feel wanted and
needed. They have this desire to continue to accomplish- to accomplish sexually,
to accomplish emotionally and to feel like your achieving something as much as
possible even if it’s not really a significant milestone sort to speak.
At
the end of the day, you never want to feel like you’re in some kind of routine.
You never want to feel like your relationship is stale or stagnant. Sometimes
people don’t feel the need to move on, they just feel the need to get a little
variety, get a little more flavor and get a little spice- if not just to try it
and experience it and then realize how much they prefer what they already have.
I
do think a lot of people want to have their cake and eat it too, but I also
think there are a lot of people who are just lazy about it and won’t put in the
extra work and communication it takes to really make yourself happy.
Snooping… Checking
his phone, ok sometimes or never do it?
STEVE: Depends on the state
of your relationship. If you’re in a committed relationship, have at it. If
you’re just seeing each other, you have no right, simple as that. If he’s
telling you I’m not seeing anybody, I’m not doing anything behind your back,
I’m committed. I trust you and you should trust me.
Trust
means a lot of things, trust means I should let you be able to use my phone, go
through it and not have anything to worry about, just as you should feel
comfortable with me using your phone, and not having anything to worry about,
it’s that give to get. Here’s my phone,
feel free to do what whatever you’d like with it – if you’re at that stage then
it’s fine, prior to being in that- you have no right.
What if you do find
something ‘flirty’ on his phone...Should you try to forget about it or approach
him about it?
STEVE: Depends on how much
it bothers you, I mean do you get away with doing flirty things yourself. Do
you feel the need to let him know every time someone flirts with you or when
you casually flirt with someone else? But I’ll be honest with you he probably
imagines it going somewhere. He probably pleasures himself with the idea of it
going somewhere, does he expect it to go anywhere, probably not but does he
hope it would go somewhere, yeah probably so.
But at the end of the day who knows.
Facebook stalking…
Any positives to this?
STEVE: I just don’t think
there is anything to gain. There is something to be said about ignorance is
bliss. If you know what you’re going to see is going to upset you, then why
even bother subjecting yourself to it. I think it’s a lose-lose situation. If
you suspect something is going on and their doing something behind your back I
think it’s ok to let the other person know that you got this feeling and
describe how you think you got that feeling. If they get defensive anyway or
distance themselves from you then they probably were doing something and are
probably not looking for what you’re looking for or maybe they were kidding
themselves and trying to convince themselves that they were when they really
weren’t.
Or
they’re just a piece of shit and don’t care about lying behind your back and
they think you’re on to them and will try to throw you off the scent ... there
are a lot of people that go around doing things that they think aren’t wrong or
not really consequential until they become consequential.
There
are a lot of people that cheat and do some messed up things but now that we
live in the world we live in and everything is traceable, people are getting
caught a lot easier than ever. It could be happening more but our instincts are
what they are. It’s just that they have more opportunities to cheat now but
it’s also easier to follow them and find out if they are.
Ultimately
you have nothing to gain by snooping, if you really value the relationship just
be above board with everything – my whole philosophy is rooted in personal
accountability, ask people to try to hold themselves in the same manner that
they hold other people to.
Stay Tuned for the final portion of my interview with Steve when we talk about decoding the # of days call back equation and Sex!
Courtesy: VH1
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